K9 Chronicles

Various changes in my personal life kept me from blogging. For too long. For so long that my loyal readers clamoured for my return. So here I am, all my dog parts intact (of course except for my testicles but my therapist said the less I blog about them, the better it will be for me) and ready to blog the coming days away.

Did I tell you that I received a proposal a long time back? It was from a black lab and the girl's special trait was that when she wags her tail, not just her tail but her entire backside wags. At least that's what I overheard. Of course we had to politely decline the proposal given my physical disabilities but it did a lot of good to my self esteem to know that someone in a 5 mile radius wants to get it on with me.

Anyway the point behind the story is that this girl who was proposed to me, she passed away a few weeks back. I know that it is not good of me to say this but I'm glad we never 'got it on' because if I had my testicles (there I go talking about them again) then today I would be a widower and father to at least 8 puppies. Our side of the family has a tendency to have 8 kids at a time (the reason why my poor cocker spaniel of a mother wears a permanently harassed look after 16 kids) and I shudder at what could have been.

And you still haven't heard the worst part. Both the girl and yours truly are treated by the same Vet, it's a woman so in this household we call her Veti, and apparently the poor girl died after Veti injected her with the wrong medicine. This was exactly what was missing in my life. I really hope my family uses the little bit of brain they have and change the Vet with immediate effect. I tried to tell them the moment I heard the news but they just told me to shut up and gave me one of those tasteless bones from Arpico to chew.

So that's about it from me for today. With a wag of the tail, K9 out.

I'm back. I'm back. (yes yes with a wag of my tail) Been busy lately, just cos I'm a dog doesn't mean I don't have a life beyond cyber space like some of you people. This week has been quite happening, especially yesterday (for the slowpokes, it was World Animals' Day, duh). So was quite busy with the various ceremonies and thought I'll let you people know the exclusive inside story of how I celebrated World Animals' Day.

It was all planned a few days back. We decided that the official ceremonies would take place in the morning and after around 6 we would just let loose and go wild. It is not often that we, the domesticated animal community of Colombo and its suburbs go wild.

It all started out with the general assembly, where all animals who could climb over and/or under walls and fences gathered. Children were not encouraged, majority were women who had left the children at home with the men. A journal that was distributed said that in the domesticated animal world too now the women are taking charge. Anyway the assembly started with a speech by a certain big shot dog belonging to one of the first families of the country. It was followed by a few more speeches (one cat, two birds who quoted maya angelou's I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings and a tortoise who left his home 2 months back to attend the assembly and barely got there in time).

Then there was a small skit by a few guest artists, stray dogs from polhengoda and panchikawatte. I must say it was quite an eye opener for us pets who hardly ever see the real world. We decided not to include a lot of entertainment because this was afterall the serious part of the day.

A sightseeing tour had been arranged for dogs from outstation. I heard it went quite well except for that one time when a dog from Anuradhapura got lost near the Independence Avenue.

There was an exclusive lunch for yellow labradors (yes we discriminate among ourselves. got a problem with that?) and the fun began from there onwards. And if you're wondering how I got away from my family to take part in all this, well they decided to visit some property located far away, giving me the whole day free. The last time I attended Animals' Day activities was two years back but I just went for the children's party at that point. I just had to sneak out when the gardener opened the gate and the poor man was so relieved when I returned before my family that he didn't utter a word to my family.

Anyway, the lunch. It was a bonding session for all us single, ball-less males. We shared tips on matters ranging from how to stop yourself from licking invisible balls to how to maintain good libido. All in all it was very fulfilling. The girls and balls-have boys also had a good time but they ignored us for most part of the day.

The rest of the day was also for us dogs only (other animals can be so bloody tiresome, maximum 2 to 3 hours) and in the evening we all gathered at this one dude's place where he has a smashing bar of his own (yeah some dogs live better than you people). A few rounds of strong ones and there was such a rush to the garden to piss. One pug who was totally wasted pissed on the floor and fell asleep on it. After a few drinks I decided it was time to go home. Danced with a few chicks but ten seconds into each dance the girl tries to feel my balls and runs away in horror finding none (not even one men). And there was one wasted dude trying to mount me, refusing to believe that I'm not gay so I said my good byes and went home.

So that was basically how the day was spent, not bad for a dog eh? I'm off to have dinner so with a wag of my tail, it's good bye till I write again. But then again, Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna

I'm the resident Agony Aunt or rather Agony Dog here at home. I have to listen to every bloody minor detail of each family member's adventures and misadventures. Now how would YOU feel if you had to go through that 24/7 for your entire life time? I can tell you this much, it is like a nightmare of a neverending reality tv show. Growing Up Grotti meets Hogan Knows Best. *Shudder*

I'm feeling a bit lazy so I will complete this later ;)

that I was adopted.

It was and will always be the most significant milestone of my life. Incidentally, it was also the day I found out that I'm a dog. My shrink told me it would be therapeutic to tell the world about it so here goes nothing.

For two happy years I thought I was the younger son of my (now adopted) family. Obviously I couldn't remember my birth family because I was adopted when I turned one month and at that point all I did was sleep. And one day when I woke up I was in a different house. I yawned and went back to sleep because there was nothing much I could do about it.

And now don't label me as stupid for thinking that I'm human. All the right signs were there. I was called putha, baba, malli, malli baba, ungi bungi (don't ask), etc and what was I supposed to think? My parents (adopted) spoke to me the same way they spoke to their children and don't tell them I told you this but they were much nicer to me.

And I had never seen other dogs. I had seen other animals but how was I supposed to know that I was also an animal? So I was quite condescending to most animals I met and no wonder I'm not that popular, even after I figured out why I could never stand on my hind legs for more than 5 seconds.

For the first two years of my life I was hyperactive. I didn't have time to consider my roots and family tree. And mirrors scared me so I never noticed how different I looked from the rest of my family. They applauded and encouraged me when I figured out how to sit on the staircase on my bum with my back straight. I guess I should have known that something was wrong somewhere when they tried to teach me that I should pee with a hind leg up. Just for the record, I still pee with all four legs firmly on the floor.

The day I found out that I was adopted started off like any other. (Yeah yeah I know I've read too many cheap novels but what is a dog to do when it has nothing better to do all day?) I had just had lunch and was getting ready for a quick nap when I heard my mother (adopted) upstairs. She was talking about my birth mother. Oh the shock, the horror. I went off Pedigree for FOUR days, the Vet(i) didn't know what had gone wrong.

I suppose she thought I was already asleep or she thought I couldn't hear her. Either way I heard it and for a few minutes I couldn't move. I was in a dream like stupor wondering if I had heard her right. But then, many things (like peeing with one leg up) began to make sense. And I felt that a missing piece of my life had been found. I felt complete.

It took a while for me to get used to being a dog. I never gave up any of my human habits but I did adopt some dog habits like licking my privates even if there was nothing much to lick there. I also started chewing shoes and slippers, this was recommended by my shrink and I must say it is working. Maybe some of you should also try it out.

All this confessing has made me a bit weak so I shall continue this at a later time. Till I write again, toodles, with a wag of the tail.

This is how I type. Well somewhat like this. Being a lab, my bum is a bit big so it keeps slipping off the chair. And whenever someone buzzes me on msn my tail begins to wag and well, it's not the most comfortable position in the world when that happens. (there's one sexy miss from Russia that I chat with (of the k9 kind) and that is a time when I wish my balls were intact).

Getting back to how I type, I have to be very discreet about it as well. I have to make sure that my owners are no where around because otherwise, by some chance if one of them were to spot me, I know so well what will follow. (shudder)

"This fellow is something else men. He sits in the computer chair and pretends to type!!! can you believe it? The way these naughty ones catch up ah? Come baby, show aunty how to type. Ko type karala pennanna".

That is EXACTLY what will follow. They will revel in this discovery and even the paper boy and the milkman will be treated to a show. And who knows what extent they will go to? They might even take me for a tv show or get a tv crew to come home and film me typing. And then next thing you know, I'll be on "Irida Ayubowan" or "Punchi Panchi" and all my friends and love interests will give me the cold shoulder for being so goday.

I suppose I take longer to type than an average human being but then again those short skirt and hooker heel wearing private secretaries have longer nails than me and they still manage to type. That is, if they do any office work at all. Not that I'd know. I'm just a dog. Though I do think I know more than most other dogs.

The biggest problem I have while typing is sweating. As most of you would already know, dogs sweat with their tongues and well,when Ii'm occupied with typing (like right now) my mouth naturally opens and suddenly a blob of dog spit almost falls into the keyboard. In the micro second before and after it leaves my mouth I manage to move my head and avoid disaster.

So I guess that is all I have to say about how I type so till I write again, k9 sign off with a wag of the tail ;)

What I'm really thinking when they pet me..... ;)

So all you dog lovers out there, ever wonder what goes on in a dog's head when y'all pet him/her? Give me an honest answer. Would YOU like it if your head is patted every ten seconds, either by your owner(s) or random strangers just because you are cute and you don't bite. (Nothing to be worried about men. This cutie pie won't say boo to anyone. Go on, pat away)

That get's to me. It just get's to me. And you know what the worst part is? My bloody tail just WON'T stop wagging no matter how hard I try. I swear it is not intentional but it just intensifies the patting. (oh look how adorable the little fella is. Come baby, give me a kiss)

Let alone kiss, the only reason why I don't bite is because you never know what these people may have touched before patting me. I'd hate to even think further about that. Just because I can't wash my ass doesn't mean I don't believe in personal hygiene. If there was a way I WOULD wash my ass, so there.

And another thing, when someone brings his/her face close to mine and says "you coochi poochi woo, gimme a kiss, ko umma?" I give a pat with my nose NOT because I like to kiss but because I know that a treat will follow the kiss. Hopefully not a dog treat (shudder) but a Mari biscuit or a piece of brocolli (I like my veggies ok? it's nothing to be ashamed about.)

That is all for now. Till I catch you later, a wet kiss on your nose ;) (you can treat me with a comment)

Free Template with Dogs

This is a small request on my part to anyone who knows the whereabouts of a template with dogs in it. Here is thanks in advance (with the wag of the tail).

P.S- Dear Kottu Admin, It is good to know that Kottu doesn't discriminate against dogs ;)

So I guess I should tell you something about myself other than the fact that I blog.

I'm a Labrador Retriever. Yellow. Almost 4 years old which is around 28 in human years I think but if you take human years then I act about 4 which in dog years makes me........never mind.

My balls were cut off at an early age due to which I really don't know if I'm technically male or otherwise. I don't find anything erotic and it is hardly ever that I, well you know, at the sight of anything mildly sexually provocative. In my opinion my bum looks much nicer minus the testicles but I'm just saying it to make the best out of what is left.

I'm fat but apparently it's genetic. You've seen those labs on tv. They look like lard barrells and it is not because they are overfed or greedy but because that is how we labs are. We don't have to eat, we just have to look at food or just think of food and we put on weight.

About once a month it dawns upon my family (adopted) that I need exercise and then I'm made to run up and down the drive way till I lie down and refuse to budge. And just 'cause i sweat from my tongue doesn't mean I'm going to friggin' die. Everytime i pant a little they act as if it is the end of the world and especially the end of my life. And then there's the inevitable rush for my water bowl, glucose and one of those rubbery sticks called dog treats. But more about dog treats later.

I know little of the outside world. I don't remember my birth family because I came to my adopted family when i turned one month and one month all a puppy can do is sleep and he does that well. I HAVE been out a few times but after my family found a Vet(i) (Veti because she's female) who visits me at home, my outings have become limited to the point of none. Especially since I tend to leave a lot of hair behind every time I get into the car.

Not that I'm missing out on anything. Life here is great though Sri Lankans do have an annoying habit of lighting crackers at the drop of a hat. Sigh. Till I blog once more, ciao (with a wag of the tail).